Long Time, No Blog

Wow, I didn't realize how long it had been since I've posted on this thing. So much has happened and yet so little has happened at the same time. Still not divorced, but we should be getting closer. We had mediation a little over a month ago, and I know the final paperwork has been sent to Jackass's attorney. In typical Jackass fashion, he was bugging me about where the paperwork was, and now that he has it, he hasn't signed it. Who knows why. I'm still anxious for all of this to be over with because I can't refinance the house until the paperwork has been finalized. And I won't know if I'll be able to keep the house until I know what kind of payments I will have to make after it's been refinanced. But after some preliminary calls to various mortgage lenders, it looks like I may not be able to stay here for long.

Which is just one more reason I am filled with anger at Jackass. This whole divorce was his idea, and I'm the one who may be losing everything. I could lose my house while Jackass has a nice house in a nice neighborhood. I've already lost many cherished Christmas ornaments while he has the satisfaction of knowing he hurt me by taking them. I will have to struggle to take Mac on any kind of vacation (hopefully my tax refund will allow me to take him on one this year), while Jackass can take him anywhere, anytime. I will be unable to put much money away for general savings, for retirement, or for Monk's education while Jackass makes twice as much as I do and may never have to worry about that stuff (and isn't even required to help pay for Monk's college!). And worst of all, he has convinced Monk that I have lied to him his entire life about anything and everything. Since the mediation, Monk has made it clear that he wants to live with Jackass and knows that he can do so when he turns 14 (gee, I wonder who told him that little tidbit?) according to the laws in this state. He has been more than angry lately; he has been filled with rage, saying the most vile, awful, hateful things to me. It was an overnight change. He went from wanting to live with both of us to telling me that he hates me and wishes I were dead. I've got to get him to a counselor soon to help him deal with all of this. I've called a couple this week, but they haven't returned my calls. He was a little better last week, but I never know what will set him off, and I want him to talk to someone better equipped than I am to handle this sort of thing. We can't spend the next 4 years like this.

My mother thinks he may have been holding out hope that his father and I would reunite, but the mediation made him realize that it wasn't going to happen. I hope that in time he will come to realize that the divorce really is for the best. I have gotten a clear view of who Jackass really is, and it isn't pretty. I feel lucky to be away from him. I hate that Monkey has to spend time with him without me there to run interference when he starts to be overbearing or petty, or outright lies about me. But I have to trust that Monkey is smart enough to see the truth for himself. He may still want to live with his father when he's 14, but I really hope not. I know the damage Jackass can do to a person's self-esteem and what a bully he can be. I know how selfish he can be. I know how it feels to walk on eggshells in your own house and never want anyone to come over because you never know what kind of mood he's going to be in. I don't want Monkey to experience all of that, but I don't know what to do at this point. I can't change Jackass, and I can only protect Monkey so much. I have to trust that he will have the strength to stand up for himself when necessary. And if he still wants to live there in 4 years, then I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. But I won't like it.

In other news, it's Spring Break and I've gotten next to nothing done, which shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone since I am The Great Procrastinator. I did go get my eyes checked and learned that I have a rare astigmatism. I always knew I was special. :) My glasses came in today, and I can't tell if they're doing any good. I really only need them for reading, and nothing's been that blurry today. And some things look blurry with the glasses on. Weird.

Just as lovely as the new glasses is the fact that I learned today that I'm 10 pounds heavier than I thought I was. I don't own a scale, but I had to get weighed today as part of a mini-checkup to get life insurance. I swear I don't feel this heavy, but the numbers don't lie. If only I could invent a weight-loss system that includes chocolate while excluding exercise. I would solve my weight problems and my money problems in one fell swoop.